Our story always begins the same.
Cautious surprise.
Curious naivety.
Inexplicable hopefulness.
To put it visually, our story usually begins like this:
How we get to the beginning of our story is a series of completely different, complicated, expensive and detailed stories altogether.
In stunned surprise and blatant fear, we always drop to our knees to thank Heavenly Father for this blessing and plead with Him to let this one stick, for a refreshing change. Followed by a very stringent routine of pills and hormones and doctors, all trying to prevent the inevitable.
Inevitable, which here means that of our six pregnancies, the last four ended similarly.
Until yesterday when the word "inevitable" meant that of our six pregnancies, the last five have, consecutively, ended in like manner.
In other words, we miscarried. Again.
Miscarriage is such a simple word that encompasses all types of fetal death, prior to 20 weeks of pregnancy, and I've experienced about all of them at this point. Literally.
Miscarriage is an emotionally degrading torture, physically painful and socially isolating. However, as cold and heartless as this might sound to first-timers or pregnancy loss virgins, with each passing miscarriage (excuse the pun), it really does get easier to mentally and emotionally process the loss. The real challenge now, for us, would be how to deal with a successful, full-term pregnancy. That one might take some counseling!
So to prepare you on how to approach a friend or family member who has just miscarried, here are a few things you should NEVER say; not in person; not in a card; just don't say it at all:
"I'm sorry and I love you."
Or, if you've had already had a miscarriage, let them know that you know how they're hurting and that you're available if they want to talk. Connect with them.
If you don't know what to tell somebody who has miscarried, then don't say anything at all. Saying something awkward or uncomfortable will probably make your friend or family member uncomfortable as well.
On a happier note, we're already taking steps to grow our family!
Details coming soon....
Curious naivety.
Inexplicable hopefulness.
To put it visually, our story usually begins like this:
How we get to the beginning of our story is a series of completely different, complicated, expensive and detailed stories altogether.
In stunned surprise and blatant fear, we always drop to our knees to thank Heavenly Father for this blessing and plead with Him to let this one stick, for a refreshing change. Followed by a very stringent routine of pills and hormones and doctors, all trying to prevent the inevitable.
Inevitable, which here means that of our six pregnancies, the last four ended similarly.
Until yesterday when the word "inevitable" meant that of our six pregnancies, the last five have, consecutively, ended in like manner.
In other words, we miscarried. Again.
Miscarriage is such a simple word that encompasses all types of fetal death, prior to 20 weeks of pregnancy, and I've experienced about all of them at this point. Literally.
Miscarriage is an emotionally degrading torture, physically painful and socially isolating. However, as cold and heartless as this might sound to first-timers or pregnancy loss virgins, with each passing miscarriage (excuse the pun), it really does get easier to mentally and emotionally process the loss. The real challenge now, for us, would be how to deal with a successful, full-term pregnancy. That one might take some counseling!
So to prepare you on how to approach a friend or family member who has just miscarried, here are a few things you should NEVER say; not in person; not in a card; just don't say it at all:
- It was meant to be.
- You can have another one.
- At least you already have a child.
- You're young still.
- It will happen.
- At least you know you can get pregnant.
Here is something you should say, if you're comfortable saying anything at all:
"I'm sorry and I love you."
Or, if you've had already had a miscarriage, let them know that you know how they're hurting and that you're available if they want to talk. Connect with them.
If you don't know what to tell somebody who has miscarried, then don't say anything at all. Saying something awkward or uncomfortable will probably make your friend or family member uncomfortable as well.
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Finally, to our family and friends: please don't avoid us! We're not contagious!
Most likely we don't want to discuss our miscarriage any more than you do, so we're on the same page. If you're pregnant or just had a baby, don't assume that our feelings will be hurt or that we'll want to avoid you to save face. We actually have a very thick skin and have learned that by withholding joy or happiness from other couples, who are blessed with healthy pregnancies and children, the only one's we're hurting is ourselves.
Frankly, life is too short to be forever lamenting in our own sorrows.
Most likely we don't want to discuss our miscarriage any more than you do, so we're on the same page. If you're pregnant or just had a baby, don't assume that our feelings will be hurt or that we'll want to avoid you to save face. We actually have a very thick skin and have learned that by withholding joy or happiness from other couples, who are blessed with healthy pregnancies and children, the only one's we're hurting is ourselves.
Frankly, life is too short to be forever lamenting in our own sorrows.
Details coming soon....
